Mr. President, Mr. President, we have a big problem. Those stinking Republicans are closing in on us. They are about to hold Lois Lerner in contempt. Their threats and pressure might make her come clean and tell the truth. That would be a major disaster. And those tea sipping Members of Congress are setting up a “select committee” to investigate Benghazi. They are going to subpoena everybody and demand that they tell the truth. They are going to get all our correspondence and almost everything that happened is in writing. I heard them tell a reporter that the Congress has the right and the power to hold the Executive branch to account. Is that true Mr. President? Can they really do that? Let’s face it. If they get to the truth, Hillary is finished. In fact the Democrat party would be in big trouble. Who knows, maybe Obamacare might get looked at again in a fresh light. That could well doom that “signature” piece of legislation. After all, they have so many things, all that we have been keeping under the rug, to investigate. This whole house of cards could come tumbling down. What will we do?
Relax. I have the answer. I have the answer that always works. The answer that previous presidents have also used. It is simple. We will just change the subject. All we have to do is come up with something so dramatic that the media, after all they belong to us, will cover. Let’s think about this. What would be so powerful that the entire country would forget Lerner, Benghazi, and even Hillary?
I know. Global warming. That would do it. But let’s call it “global climate change.” That is a more user friendly term. Let’s get some weird, kooky scientist, give him a big grant, and set him loose on the press. He should rant and show righteous anger. Make sure he has charts and graphs. Those always help when it comes to selling wild ideas. He should be somewhat believable, though. After all, some in the media, like Fox News, might be on to us. They are a little more difficult to deal with.
Mr. President, it is a great plan. It’s not like we are inventing something new. Global warming has been around for a long time. It has just been in the background because some loud mouth nonbelievers have given our theory a bad rap. And it’s great timing too, Sir. After all, summer is coming and the weather will naturally heat up so we can use that as evidence. The normal spring storms, tornadoes, and hurricanes are all on the horizon. Since the people have the attention span of a tsetse fly larva, this couldn’t come at a better time. When the loud mouth nonbelievers and deniers speak up, we will just shout them down as we have done in the past. Mr. President, it is a great plan. We will just point to the storms going across the country as proof of our theory. Never mind that these storms have been happening since time began, we have the press on our side.
I can see it now. Everybody will be so frightened by our alarmist press releases that Benghazi, the IRS, and all the rest of the “phony” scandals will vanish from the news.
Mr. President, they called Bill Clinton “slick Willie” but he couldn’t hold a candle to your slickness. In fact, history may well record you as the slickest president of all times. It is just too bad that the country will be in such bad shape by then that nobody will notice and even fewer will care.