BATTLESHIPS

Recent news is reporting that Russia and Venezuela are teaming up to hold war games in the Caribbean Sea. This wouldn’t even attract my attention except that it is so silly. Make that dangerous and silly.

Let’s see if I have this right. Hugo Chavez, tin horn thug from South America, and Vladimir Putin, former would be absolute ruler of Russia, are teaming up to show the world their military might. I think they call this saber rattling. It seems to me if you are going to rattle a saber, you should not play with paper swords. Is this the same Russia who, when playing with nuclear submarines, sank their prized vessel and lost their entire crew? They did finally call us up and try to get us to help them pull the ship and crew back up, but it was, unfortunately for the crew and their families, too late.

Is this the same Russia, who when playing with nuclear power, poisoned hundreds of miles in and around Chernobyl? We will never know how many died initially and have died since because of their malfeasance.

Now they want to once again get out and play big boy games. It reminds me of Frick and Frack playing battleship. Odds are they will more likely have serious problems in these alien waters.

I have some recommendations. I think we should dispatch a couple of our most impressive aircraft carriers fully loaded with the latest jet fighters. We should cruise down to the Caribbean and just let both would be warriors get a glimpse of what real armaments and weapons of war look like. We do not need to get in their way, just cruise around to let the sailors see what they would be up against if they allowed their over ambitious governments to get sillier. Besides, we would then be close at hand when the Russians and Venezuelans begin colliding with each other or running aground. We would be in much better position to bail them out by having this head start.

Of all the things these governments need to be spending their treasure on, war games have to be the least important. I have seen pictures of the thousands of poor wretched souls living in cardboard shacks in Venezuela. The Russian economy is in the tank and without extreme high oil prices might cease to operate in the world. The same is true for Venezuela.

Being the ever helpful individual that I am, I am now offering even more suggestions for these two would be world powers. Chavez, you need to get back to the work that your country does best. That is producing outstanding baseball players. Russia, this is your task. You need to get back to the job of producing vodka and world class female athletes who look more like starting fullbacks in the National Football League than like women. This is what you do best. Your female weight lifters and shot putters used to be the envy of the world. Leave the job of world security to the people who have the ability to take care of it. We promise not to invade either one of your countries. After all, we have enough baseball players and female shot putters for now, and very soon now we won’t even be a buyer for your oil. Oh, and look out for that big rock.

Ron Scarbro September 29, 2008