PEST CONTROL IN 2016

You discover that your house is infested with pests and vermin. You know that if you don’t act, the foundation will be destroyed and the structure will come tumbling down. You set about looking for a solution. A cursory investigation shows many options available to deal with your situation.

The first number you call turns out to be Bernie’s Best Socialistic System, or double B double S also known as BBSS, or just BS for short. The operator advises you that what you call vermin and pests are really just alternative species who have just as much right to life as you do. The fact that these species have decided to make your home their home is their right. To cause them any harm or discomfort would be wrong on so many levels. BBSS recommends that you just learn to live with them until they destroy your home and then move outside and live as nature intended, in the trees and mountains. That way everybody can just get along and live “socially.”

The next number on the list of solutions is Hillary’s Youth Patrol for the Environment or HYPE for short. Their operator starts with the company slogan, “Trust us, we never lie. What you call pests and vermin are just misguided individuals who can be reasoned with. Instead of deporting these lovable critters who just want the opportunity that you have had to make a living and feed their growing families, we should start a dialogue. We should negotiate with them and see to it that a non-violent solution can be reached. Then when your home comes tumbling down remember that it was probably your fault for building in an area they wanted. They had every right to bring their diseases and destruction into your home because as an American citizen you are just selfish. Believe it because we never lie, wink wink.”

So, in a quandary, you continue to look for a solution to your problem. The final listing on the Yellow Pages is Deport Or Nail Aliens and Lowlife Drug Smugglers, or “DONALD’S.” Their operator is emphatic. Vermin and pests are just that, vermin and pests. They don’t belong in your house. You didn’t invite them in and they refuse to leave. If you don’t act and act quickly, they will gnaw at the foundation of your house until it is destroyed. They will continue to reproduce thereby creating millions more of their kind to destroy not only your house but your neighbor’s as well. Here at DONALD’S we have a special treatment that denies these pests and vermin food or opportunity. It’s called “E-Verification of Citizenship.” We don’t even have to kill them. They leave on their own because they find the living conditions intolerable. They go scrambling back to where they came from. Then DONALD’S builds a wall to prevent them from ever returning. At that point you can rebuild your home strengthened in the knowledge that future visitors will be here only by invitation.”

So, these are your choices. Be socially responsible and leave them alone to continue on their destructive path, start a dialogue with them in the hope that they will leave your house alone in favor of finding another way to feed themselves and their families, or just send them packing. Being a fair minded individual I believe you will make the right decision. The home you save may be your own, as well as everyone else's. It is BS, HYPE, or DONALD’S. Seems simple enough to me.

Ron Scarbro